Dear Internet: A Blog-tervention with BONUS Snark-Filled Rant in Response to Clearing 2,567 Spam Comments

mopOne of my goals this January was to clean up the blog and start getting into the blogosphere a bit more. The monthly posts have been fun, but we’ve been thinking that there’s so much more we can share with you all about what we do and how we do it.

Call it a blog-terverntion, if you will.

Well, undertaking this endeavour also meant doing a little clean up, which leads to the bonus section of this post.

There are a few barriers to entry with this blog-tervention plan. Finding the time to post was a big one. Generating ideas was another. But perhaps most vexing were the little things—like troubleshooting the spam filter and clearing the 2,500 or so spam comments that needed to be deleted from the comments queue before any true discussion could be opened.

Lacking any better method than to spam blast ’em 20 at a time, it took me over an hour of repetitive-stress-injury-inducing mouse clicking to finally get a clean inbox. During that time, I had plenty of time to stew about the various comments that insidiously evaded our spam filter and planted themselves in the comments queue.

Warning: mop may be needed for the sarcasm dripping from the following rant.


January 20, 2015

Dear Internet:

I want to take the opportunity to thank you for your generous support and unwavering concern for my well being over the past several months. Thank you for the repeated offers to keep me up-to-date with all the latest accouterments that any fashion-conscious blogger ought to know. You’ve offered to keep me shod in Air Jordans and Ugg boots (are those still things that people buy?); bedecked in Coach bags and Michael Kors purses (well, perhaps you have a rather overgenerous estimation of my bank account); and bespectacled in Ray Bans of varying degrees of authenticity (I need prescription, but thanks).

Unfortunately, though I appreciate your persistence in the face of such a delicate topic, I really, really have no use for the various “enlargement” or “elongation” offers that you have so kindly—and with such impressive regularity—proffered.

(Your liposuction offers though? Just what are you implying, Internet? )

The information on mortgage rates in Atlanta was fascinating, and I really can’t imagine not knowing about debt consolidation in Texas, particularly as a born-and-bred Canadian. To be frank, the material on divorce processes in Arizona was a bit light, but I presume that clicking one of the many links helpfully included in your comment would enlighten me greatly.

I feel I must also add that I have enjoyed the random comments that have not even the most tangential connection to books or book publishing—particularly the vaguely disturbing ones about stomach spasms and punching holes in semi-impermeable objects. The diverting commentary on video games (Football? Adventure? War? Who knows? Who cares?) provided a much looked-for variety that was previously lacking in the rather self-help focused spam filter.

Thank you for the time you took to remind me of the name of the company for which I write my posts, often thrice daily, or maybe a few times more—predicated, no doubt, on your level of concern for my mental health. My sincere gratitude for ensuring that I need never concern myself that a spontaneous bout of amnesia will cause me to make a terrible social faux-pas—perhaps by addressing The Porcupine’s Quill as The Platypus’s Bill or some equally catastrophic happenstance.

And finally, dear Internet, I would be remiss if I did not comment on your unparalleled communication skills. Your kind, almost frighteningly generic congratulations during my tenure as blogger have been so ebullient in their tepidity that I could not dream of doubting your sincerity. Your appreciation of the “points” I’ve made in “paragraphs” about “issues” is all that blogger could dream of. Truly, the creativity of your vagueness knows no bounds. I must also commend you on your ability to ply your seemingly endless vocabulary, particularly when you manage to compliment me on my weblog, website, blog, article, paragraph in the space of a single sentence. Seriously. It’s adorable.

And though quite frequently I really have no idea what your rambling, ungrammatical and, it must be said, somewhat robotic verbiage actually means, I am sure that any interaction on your part, Internet, is meant as the most generous of compliments.

Looking forward to our next interlude in the spam filter.

Warm regards,


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The Porcupine's Quill would like to acknowledge the support of the Ontario Arts Council and the Canada Council for the Arts for our publishing program. The financial support of the Government of Canada through the Canada Book Fund (CBF) is also gratefully acknowledged.