Scene IX:
Let Us Steel Ourselves for the Appalling Scene Certain to Develop Should We Ever Declare Our Love for McTaggert's Wife

[Add setting]

SCOTSMAN 1: It’s as I said to yon McTaggert’s wife only the other night.

SCOTSMAN 2: What did yer say? Was her head on yer pillow?

SCOTSMAN 1: It’s like this, lassie, I said. Yer man strolls the high valley of discontent. Yer man tarries in the deep shade of incomprehension.

SCOTSMAN 2: That aboot nails the rat, I’d surmise.

SCOTSMAN 1: Yer man strolls the pale bluffs of circumstance, I said. Yer man meanders the long valley of….valley of…I forgit what it were I were saying.

SCOTSMAN 2: And how did the fine lassie take yer calculation? Did she tear out yer hair?

SCOTSMAN 1: Valley of melancholy. That’s what I were saying. Yer man McTaggert meanders the long valley of melancholy withno regard for the beauty of yer face and the soundness of yer character.

Or yer bonnie long limbs. That’s what I were saying.

SCOTSMAN 2: Well. Well, I seen her giving ye the eye. I seen ye doing some meandering, strolling, some tarrying yerself.

SCOTSMAN 1: Do yer know? Confound me, the lassie will nae remove her knickers in daylight.

‘Tis a moral principal’, says she. She’ll nae blossom except in full dark.

SCOTSMAN 2: Agh, that’s evil. That’s doomsday coming.

SCOTSMAN 1: Yerself is the encyclopedia of illusion, I said to her.

I said it to her straight out. Honey, I said, yer is the ‘pilgrim transalpine.’

manicule

Read on: Act II, Scene X »
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